Do you have days where you feel on top of the world? Are there days when you feel like you're never enough. I'm not talking about someone making you feel that way, I'm talking about how you perceive yourself. My mom taught me to work hard and I have always strived to do so. As a teenager, I worked to buy what I wanted and started at the age of 13. I babysat a family and helped at the local market until I learned to drive. I then worked at an ice cream shop through high school. When I graduated high school, I worked three jobs until I went to College. I continued working while going to college, I still maintained the Dean's List and I paid my own way while being diagnosed as a diabetic. For the first couple years as a Type 1 diabetic, my diabetes was out of control and my health wasn't very good. I still pushed through and I graduated college with a great GPA. When I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis I spent a few years with aches, pain, swelling and severe side effects from medications. These side effects affected my mental health as well as my physical health. I began to have panic attacks. I had NEVER in my life felt so out of control of my body and my feelings than I did at that time. A panic attack would come on without any warning and once it was over I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted that I didn't want to go anywhere. I had one episode hit me while driving to work and all I wanted to do was run my car into a tree to stop feeling that way. I loved my job, so I knew it had to be the medicine. I have always been a person who saw the bright side of everything. I've always been positive and my cup is always full, but something was causing my body to fight that positivity. I ran as far as I could from those medications and never looked back. I would rather be in pain then ever feel that way mentally again. A few years after being diagnosed with RA, I had to have my right hip replaced. I already had a few small surgeries and I went into this one pretty positive. After 10 days of recovery I went back to work. Over the years I have had so many health issues thrown at me. From getting both my wrist fused, both my ankles fused to ankle replacements. From a left hip replacement to double knee replacement. Getting a hip replaced and only waiting 90 days to get a double knee replacement wasn't the smartest choice I ever made. Breaking my feet four or more times in a year made it impossible to get things done. Having both my shoulders replaced just added to the list. Recently I have had to have my feet and toes fixed. All these surgeries and recovery occurred over the last 15 years. I have always pushed through it and continued to work as soon as I could. I always stayed positive through recovery and therapy however at times being incapable of doing simple things became overwhelming. Simple things such as walking to the bathroom, making your own meals or grabbing something to drink without assistance. For someone who is VERY independent, it caused me to spiral. When you can't even wipe your own rear end discouragement does kick in. When you can't even dress yourself or walk, your mind tells you you've failed. I continue to struggle to open bottles or small containers from the deformities to my hands and fingers and I drop things constantly. I can't run, I just strive to walk and stay upright most days. I still struggle with simple things and have to adapt because of my wrists not being able to bend. I try not to show that side of me and I surely don't share that with many people. I cry when I'm alone and I show the world that I'm all good on the outside. My biggest failure, in my mind, is that holding down a full time job like everyone else my age is difficult. Waking up daily and not knowing if it will be a good day or bad day makes getting ready for those jobs complicated. Because of all these surgeries and recoveries I ended up gaining all that weight and that made walking very hard. The pain was very overwhelming most days and I spent majority of those days in bed. I also see different doctors for my ailments which hinders having a full time schedule. For years I beat myself up about it quite often. After getting the gastric bypass and losing the weight I have felt better and I started back in to the work force again 4 years ago. I recently took on a new job and tripled my hours. I am not quite up to full time and I probably never will. I often try to add things to my everyday chores too but sometimes I over do it and I feel it the next day. In case I didn't say it, I still have pain and stiffness every day and it still hinders me at times. I often question God, "why me" but in my heart I know that God only gives you what you can handle. He must think I'm a rockstar! Do I still break down at times and doubt myself, absolutely! I'm still human! I need a day, hour, moment to tell myself to "keep going" and "you got this!" If you ever need a cheerleader, I'm your girl! If you ever need reassurance before a surgery, I'm your girl! If you ever need that extra push, I'm still here! I know I am not a failure in so many ways, and I have even been called an inspiration to some but, just remember that the person on the outside smiling and positive can be fighting their inner self doubt. I am not disabled, I am a person with a disability and I'm still trying to accept this. I'm a work in progress too! Just a daily dose of T.