I warn you now, this maybe a little graphic but I will try to keep it to a minimal. Most ladies know what it means to visit the OBGYN doctor. Poking and probing with much discomfort and some embarrassment. In my early twenties going to the gynecologist wasn't too embarrassing. Except on one occasion. My doctor was an older gentleman and he had asked me if it was alright if an intern could sit in for an exam. I too was in college, so I knew this was a necessity for a student in "her" field. After agreeing to allow the student to attend this uncomfortable meeting the nurse came in to assist. She held my hand and whispered "I'm here". This young male intern comes strolling in to the exam room. He was a handsome young man and now I understood why the nurse was there for encouragement. Both the doctor and the intern was significantly close to the area of examination. The doctor with his pop bottle glasses was pointing out areas and medically explaining the necessity of checking those areas. He would tell the intern "come in closer and get a good look". I wanted to crawl out of my skin but I truly wanted to ask if this was our official first date just to make light of two men closely gawking and pointing at my unmentionables. After the exam was complete, he shook my hand as if it was a business transaction and left the room. No flowers or candy for such an intimate encounter. The nurse apologized and left for me to get dressed. Yes it was embarrassing but now its a funny story to tell when out with the girls. Most of my tests throughout my twenties came back as abnormal pap smears. Due to being a diabetic that happens quite often. This leads to further testing, poking and probing. Every time we did the extensive testing, my results came back normal. In my early thirties the tests came back with more problems. I had some sort of ovarian cyst on my right ovary. I had went on vacation with some family and friends when I received the call. I had what they call a Dermoid cyst. It could have hair, skin and teeth and all I could picture was a character from a story book was living in my ovary. Can you picture him? Big teeth and huge straggling hair. I pictured the character on the Little Critter books and I named him Arthur! Arthur had to be removed and I also had to make another huge decision. They were pretty certain they were going to have to remove my entire ovary. While they were in there, I was to choose if I wanted a tubal ligation as well. To the ones who don't know what that is, I would be getting my "tube's tied" and would no longer be able to have children. I thought about this long and hard. I had been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, and yes I could still have children with that diagnoses, but there could be complications. I was already diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and I would have to remove myself from all medications to carry that said child. Which meant I could be miserable for the nine months or I could go into remission. I had a 50/50 chance of having a painless pregnancy. And finally I wasn't in a relationship that I was planning on having a child with that person. Those three things plus more health issues lead me to choose to have the procedure done when they removed my ovary. I always worried that I wouldn't be able to hold my baby due to this RA. That I would give these awful diseases to my little one. I didn't want a life for my child to be anything like mine. I know God is the only one who can determine that, but I didn't have that relationship with Him to know that he had ALL that control. I was going off of my feelings and concerns rather than having faith. The day I went to see the surgeon and sign the paperwork was an emotional day. Yes, I chose to not have children but to actually sign a paper saying I wouldn't be able to make that choice anymore was a life changing moment. I cried all the way home knowing that I would never be a mom. Never feel that unconditional love from a human being that I created. Never love someone more than myself and never have someone to take care of me when I was old. It was a lonely feeling and I don't wish it on anyone. Everything went well with the procedure and no complications after. I still sit and think about what I missed out on being a mom. The lonliness still lingures in my heart but I now know that was God's plan and I'm good with that. Luckily I have many nieces and nephew's to fill that void and a step son that I care about deeply. Just another daily dose of T.